Through the Crack

I am 20 weeks pregnant.

Among other joys of pregnancy such as heartburn, irritability, insomnia... there is the most obvious and annoying (to me)... the weight gain. The pure, utter morphing of what used to be my body into this...for lack of a more scientific word, butterball. Goodbye waist. See ya hips. Catchya later abs. This presents a problem. An expectant mother must clothe herself in an entire new wardrobe for the duration. The first time around I thought that would be a highlight, getting to buy all new clothes for an entire season. A woman's dream, right? No no no. I was naive. It didn't take long to realize maternity clothes are the most hideous, gawdaweful, ill-fitting, creations known to man. Well, maybe next to Lady Gaga. Regardless, it's embarrassing.

That being said, I can survive 9ish months of such humiliation. I cannot, however, continue another day suffering the perils of too-tight panties. You can't put ten pounds of sugar in a five pound bag. You just can't.

So what are my options?

The last thing I need right now is a)to spend 3 bajillion dollars on a new underwear wardrobe for my ever expanding landscape or b) to be squeezing into my current collection. Seriously, show me a woman who doesn't want her ass to look like two Idaho potatoes with a rubberband around them? Plus, consider the comfort level and the mobility restraints...I mean, I DO have a toddler to chase after... And fire marshall restrictions...

I'm looking at you, package of Hanes no-wedgie underwear in an assortment of colors...

*Gasp.

Packaged underwear? I haven't gone there since I was sporting "days of week" circa 1987.

Lets get real. You and I were both skeptical when we saw the commercial. No wedgies? How can such a promise be made to us the consumer? I certainly wasn't in the test group. Were you? And now I was going to put these underlings to the ultimate test. No granny panty could even challenge my larger-by-the-day backside. I was taking this one for the team, ready to put this rampage of false advertising to rest. No wedgie comfort? Please. I was already writing the letter to Hanes in my head as I was checking out with my two packages of neatly folded cotton unmentionables. Certainly this was a waste of time and money.

And I did write a letter. It goes as follows:


Dear Hanes, Inc.,

These are the most comfortable things that have graced my butt cheeks since I went commando under a jersey dress when Leo and I first started dating 9 years ago. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this glorious product. Not only are they comfy, but it IS true! I suffered nay a wedge, which, considering the size and scope of the control...it is truly mind boggling. You have somehow broken all laws of physics, and let a chubby pregnant lady be comfortable.

True, they may not be the sexiest, but you really turned on my hubby with that $1.00 0ff coupon right on the package.

Love,
Heather Furlong

Well, I DID Say I Wanted to Live on an Island

Please notice the street signs barely peeking out from the water.





This is what Leo ran into on his way home the night of the floods. And this just happens to be the road we live off of. Yes, there is a road under all that water. A four lane highway, as a matter of fact. Our neighborhood and house are fine. Traffic is INSANE around here because two of the main roads (um, I20 and Highway 78) are both STILL shut down today. But the sun is shining now and GLEE comes on tonight. It's a good day.

Rude Mood

I have, like, 10 drafts of posts going, if I can just pull them together. My brain is just every-which-way these days.


Thanks, everyone, for the thoughts and well-wishes regarding the newest Furlong. Physically, I am feeling great, especially since starting the blessed second trimester. I'm not having anymore nausea or extreme fatigue like I was having there for a minute. Now my primary symptom of pregnancy is extreme chubbiness. I've already gained 14 pounds. I'm trying not to match my 69 pound gainer with Beau. Oh yeah, you read that correctly. Let's just say, I'm super excited about going to my 10 year high school reunion wearing granny panties (I have an entire post in the works dedicated to this topic alone), an elastic waist pant, and retaining water like the Titanic.


Not to mention my new mood. I call pregnant Heather, "authentic Heather". She is really my uncensored self. She is that voice that lives in my head all the time but since I usually have manners, she doesn't get to be heard. Not so these days. I can't fake a smile if my life and the life of my unborn child depended on it. Sorry, annoying neighbor that caught me in my car one day. I literally just stared at her as she went on and on about goodness knows what. Sorry, stranger in line at Kroger trying to start a friendly conversation. I really don't care that you have a grandson Beau's age. And please refrain from touching him. It is flu season, after all, and I don't know where your hands have been. Thanks. Sorry, guy at FIVE GUYS, (Jaime, this is for you) that my friend ordering for me said "everything" instead of "all the way". I didn't realize this could be a point of confusion. Use your brain and give me my f*ing yummy cheeseburger. Oh, and sorry, husband for just being a raging bitch, well...EVERY WAKING MOMENT. You are a gem. (I just realized being pregnant is why I have to make New Years Resolutions not to curse anymore...)


Ugh. Anyway.
When I ask Beau if he's excited about being a big brother he shakes his head no. I think that's hilarious. For now.

Here are some pictures from Labor Day weekend.

TEXTcapades

Text from Leo at 2:10pm this afternoon:
"Heather. What is going on? Beau just called me and he is sending me blank text messages. Answer the phone."

I was over at my mom's house and had put Beau down for his nap in the middle of her king size bed. He was out cold and I barricaded him with pillows so he wouldn't roll off. Thus is our routine when we are over there for nap time.

Anyway, all is well for about an hour when I hear him call out. I go into the bedroom and Beau is not in the bed, but walking around with my cell phone, which I had left on the dresser. Turns out for the past 20 minutes Beau had been catching up on my correspondence. 13 text messages total to random recipients in my phone book and actual calls to Leo, my voice mail, and my hair salon. (Come to think of it, I have been meaning to make an appointment...) Poor Leo was terrified that I had passed out (in a food coma, no doubt) and our sweet little angel Beau was calling to let him know.

No. He was just calling to chat. He'll text ya later.

18 months going on 18

Oral hygiene is very important. Even if you do only have six teeth still.

Beau turned 18 months while I was relaxing in Arizona with my girlfriends this past weekend. However, I was still the lucky one to get to take him to his 18 month check up bright and early Tuesday morning.

We weighed in at 25 pounds and at 31.5 inches tall. Growing along just fine! I did bring up some concerns I had about him talking...or the lack of, I guess. I am beginning to get frustrated because he does not even try to say real words. The only thing he says consistently is "hi". He can say "momma" and "dada", but he never uses it to address us or call out to us. Our doctor said we will wait and see until he turns two to see how his speech is developing since he does babble and follow commands. For example I can ask him to bring me his truck or point out his nose and he can do it. He just won't attempt anything verbally.

Where we lack in speech skills, we make up for in appetite and physical domination. Beau really is a great eater and only occasionally we have problems during mealtime. And he his climbing like crazy. The other night I was making dinner and looked up and Beau was standing on the buffet table in the dining room.

If I had to pick his favorite things to do right now they would include; coloring, swinging, taking off his clothes, and going to the pool.

He is really going to make a great big brother...

OOPS! Did that slip? ... Yeah. It's true. 14 weeks. They will be exactly 2 years apart. Please pray for my sanity.

Girls Weekend (Abridged- somewhat)

Last weekend I was so lucky to get away with two of my favorite girlfriends for a relaxing few days in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Well, no...getting there was anything but relaxing. Have I mentioned I hate flying? Well, I do. HATE. IT. Oh, and my suitcase wheels decided to break so I'm literally dragging/carrying my 30 pound luggage through Hartsfield-Jackson. We check our bags (for an additional cost of $20 one way...thanks Delta!) and somehow I get through security without having to endure a full cavity search. We finally board the plane and I'm looking at my seat assignment... I know we are not sitting together and have come to peace with that until... I see Lisa take her window seat next to a super cute young couple. Katie takes her seat directly behind my seat next to a nice middle aged woman and a cutie pie soldier decked out in fatigues. I am window seat...next to a rather... large couple... I literally climb over them Cirque du Soleil style to reach my seat, or what part of it wasn't already being used..and take a deep breath. My nose filling with the aroma of sweat, cigarettes, and tee tee. For the next three and a half hours I sit huddled to the window, trying to avoid physical contact, watching movies on my iPod, and willing my bladder not to explode. Since the laws of physics prevented me from lowering my armrest, a few times the lady's shockingly long arm hair brushed me and I gagged a little. I hear Lisa laughing it up with her new friends...and when I think I can't take it anymore...we hit turbulence.

Anyway, I lived and we got there. Then the vacation really started. Just look at this view driving from the airport to our resort! We stayed at the Fairmont Scottsdale.
It was so beautiful and totally lived up to its five diamond rating. When we were checking in, the nice girl from behind the desk says, "Oh, I have a letter waiting for Lisa Williams." Katie and I look at Lisa crazy-like and none of us could imagine what it could be. The desk girl comes back with a thick fancy envelope and we make Lisa open it right there. Turns out Lisa's brother and sister called ahead and purchased a fat, and I mean fat, gift card for her to pamper herself with. It was the sweetest thing ever. We basically lived off that gift card all weekend, thanks to Lisa's kind heart... it was amazing.

Katie, me and Lisa after our $300 dollar dinner at Bourbon Steak. Worth every penny. That steak was like buttah. The pool where sat each day, ordering food and drinks. It was heaven.

One of the pools had water slides (um...for the kids...) and I swear we had the most fun going down those stupid things. Ok, so the first morning we are there (Saturday), we are all up at 6 o'clock because of the time change. We happily discover a Chick-Fil-A and go in for a yummy breakfast where we discover this....

Not a soul! We couldn't believe it. We told the girl working this would NEVER happen in Atlanta and I had to take photos.

Here are Katie and Lisa ALL ALONE ordering at Chick-Fil-A on a Saturday morning. We sat and ate and killed two hours there...never did it get more than one other person in there. Oh yeah, we went back Monday morning and it was the same scene. It was like the twilight zone or something...

Then we went to Wal-Mart to stock up on a few necessities. Water, Diet Coke, Red Bull, and Chardonnay.

Fashion Police! Miley Cyrus's new line at Wal-Mart features non other than STIRRUP PANTS! The redneck cousin of the can-only-be-pulled-off-if-done-right-by-the-right-person legging. NO Miley!

One night Katie's great uncle Bill invited us over for a yummy home cooked meal. It was amazing. Bill is an avid golfer and chef. And in his eighties-made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt.

Really all I did on this trip was bob in the pool, shovel things in my mouth, belt showtunes in the bathroom, and laugh with two of the greatest gals I know. We even got to sit together on the flight home.

I want to thank Leo for graciously letting me go and get pampered while pulling daddy duty at home. In the past 12 days Leo and I have been in the same place at the same time for approximately 4 hours (being 12am to 4am). The night I got home he had to get up and leave again for Dallas. And I miss him. There. I said it.

I promise I have a post about Beau for tomorrow.

Pablo P.

Artist at work:Minimalism. Impressionism.

Abstract.

Genius.

Exhibitionist

This morning I was feeling domestic and decided to make Beau and myself some bacon, eggs, and monkey bread for breakfast. That's the funny thing about Leo being out of town. I always go on these cooking or cleaning or decorating or crafting kicks when he's gone. I swear, I must need to bake or re-arrange or decoupage something to cope with being lonely.

Anyway, I have Beau tuned in to Sesame Street, so he's is thoroughly entertained. I busy myself in the kitchen making our yummy breakfast.

I guess a few minutes pass before I look up at him, because when I do, my eyes are greeted with the full moon of my son's hiney standing in front of the TV. Somehow, in mere moments, he had wriggled out of his pj pants and freed himself of his diaper without me knowing. And once freed... he'd peed. On the carpet. Standing there, watching Elmo. He's stealthy, that one.

*sigh*

Yellow River

Yesterday we went to the aptly named "Yellow River Game Ranch". If there is one place in the world that could have more poo mines than my very own back yard, it would be here. If I learned one thing it would be to bring a squirt bottle or something to rinse said poo from shoes and stroller wheels before reloading the car. Live and learn.

Dispite such dirty issues, and being violated by a few forward deer, we had a good time. We went with Amanda and Hannah. We always have fun with those gals!

I did most of the feeding for the Furlongs. Beau's method was to just chuck the entire carrot at the poor animal. That, and he couldn't understand why I kept handing him food and not letting him put it in his mouth. These kids are having a great time!... Right Amanda? I mean, can't you tell from their faces?This was Beau's favorite part of the day, I think. After we finished smelling, er, I mean, looking at all the animals we went to play on the playground.

If you would like to view all of the photos I took, please help yourself and click here!

Half ***

I often get onto Leo for doing things "half ass". Many times I have requested him to use his entire ass, or whole ass, when completing my suggested tasks.

Too bad. I'm going halvesies today.

It's been a busy week here, as we just got back from Montreat Thursday, and it takes me a couple days to adjust. I had a baby shower for a wonderful, sweet, highschool friend on Saturday. I spent practically an entire day at the doctor's office yesterday (don't cha love seeing the doc at 2:45 for a 1:30 appointment? Seriously, they should send texts or twitter something, like, "appointments running an hour behind today!" that wouldn't be so miserable.) And also, yesterday my girl Katie had her precious baby! I have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of Molly Hogan Abel and am so happy for her parents and can hardly wait to get my arms around that girl.

So, I'm taking the lazy way and instead of sorting and editing all the Montreat pictures, I'm just posting the link for ALL of them! Browse at your leisure!

montreat09