Through the Crack

I am 20 weeks pregnant.

Among other joys of pregnancy such as heartburn, irritability, insomnia... there is the most obvious and annoying (to me)... the weight gain. The pure, utter morphing of what used to be my body into this...for lack of a more scientific word, butterball. Goodbye waist. See ya hips. Catchya later abs. This presents a problem. An expectant mother must clothe herself in an entire new wardrobe for the duration. The first time around I thought that would be a highlight, getting to buy all new clothes for an entire season. A woman's dream, right? No no no. I was naive. It didn't take long to realize maternity clothes are the most hideous, gawdaweful, ill-fitting, creations known to man. Well, maybe next to Lady Gaga. Regardless, it's embarrassing.

That being said, I can survive 9ish months of such humiliation. I cannot, however, continue another day suffering the perils of too-tight panties. You can't put ten pounds of sugar in a five pound bag. You just can't.

So what are my options?

The last thing I need right now is a)to spend 3 bajillion dollars on a new underwear wardrobe for my ever expanding landscape or b) to be squeezing into my current collection. Seriously, show me a woman who doesn't want her ass to look like two Idaho potatoes with a rubberband around them? Plus, consider the comfort level and the mobility restraints...I mean, I DO have a toddler to chase after... And fire marshall restrictions...

I'm looking at you, package of Hanes no-wedgie underwear in an assortment of colors...

*Gasp.

Packaged underwear? I haven't gone there since I was sporting "days of week" circa 1987.

Lets get real. You and I were both skeptical when we saw the commercial. No wedgies? How can such a promise be made to us the consumer? I certainly wasn't in the test group. Were you? And now I was going to put these underlings to the ultimate test. No granny panty could even challenge my larger-by-the-day backside. I was taking this one for the team, ready to put this rampage of false advertising to rest. No wedgie comfort? Please. I was already writing the letter to Hanes in my head as I was checking out with my two packages of neatly folded cotton unmentionables. Certainly this was a waste of time and money.

And I did write a letter. It goes as follows:


Dear Hanes, Inc.,

These are the most comfortable things that have graced my butt cheeks since I went commando under a jersey dress when Leo and I first started dating 9 years ago. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this glorious product. Not only are they comfy, but it IS true! I suffered nay a wedge, which, considering the size and scope of the control...it is truly mind boggling. You have somehow broken all laws of physics, and let a chubby pregnant lady be comfortable.

True, they may not be the sexiest, but you really turned on my hubby with that $1.00 0ff coupon right on the package.

Love,
Heather Furlong